Tag: Whiteout Survival

Life is, after all, a complex puzzle, and we are just an insignificant chess piece in it, at the mercy of fate at any time. Like those silent dusks, the air is often filled with unspeakable loneliness. Time has been moving, and the years have never stopped for anyone, but we are always pushed by it ruthlessly.

That evening, I shuttled through the crowd with a very complicated mood. The lights on both sides of the street began to light up, and there was a chill in the air, as if it was a precursor to winter. I couldn’t help but think of her-the woman I couldn’t let go. She stood in front of me, always so elegant and lonely, like a quietly blooming rose, never touched, but gradually withered. She is a scar in my heart, no matter what, I can never heal it.

Her name is Xiaojuan, whom I met in college. We were young at that time, and we were full of fantasies and expectations for each other. Her beauty is not that kind of strong and gorgeous, but with a bit of coldness and alienation. Her eyes always contain something unspeakable, as if she has never completely entrusted herself to the world. At that time, I always felt that she was a mystery. I wanted to get close to her, but I was always separated by her mystery and distance.

She never took the initiative to talk to me. Even in class, she always sat in the corner silently, occasionally looking up at the window, her eyes penetrated the distance outside the window, as if that was her only safe haven. And I began to notice her. Every time our eyes met, my heart would unconsciously surge with a throbbing. But I know that she will never belong to me.

Sometimes, we met by chance on campus, I would smile at her and say, “Xiaojuan, how are you today?” She always nodded slightly, didn’t say much, didn’t look much, just walked by gently, like a gust of wind. Her back always carried a bit of loneliness that dissipated in the air, which made me a little reluctant, but helpless.

As time went by, I knew more and more that her loneliness was the kind of loneliness that almost no one could understand. She didn’t belong to anyone in this world, and she herself had never really entered this world. She seemed to live in her own time and space, and I could only stand on her edge forever, watching her go away.

Later, she lost contact with me. Maybe it was because she was going to study abroad, or maybe it was because she never really took me to heart. In any case, I still lost her in the end. The small, seemingly happy times we once shared seemed to gradually blur in my memory. However, the real pain quietly emerged in the middle of the night, like a long-suppressed dream that could not be dispelled.

I often wonder, if I had been braver at the time, could I have changed the ending? If I had understood her more deeply at the time, could I have found the lonely corner in her heart and brought her a little warmth? However, looking back, I know that we were still young at that time, too young to understand what true emotions were.

I still remember what she looked like. She wore a simple white shirt, her long hair was casually scattered, but her eyes were always so deep, like the ocean in the middle of the night, vast and untouchable. She rarely smiles, but she always makes my heart beat. I tried to get into her life, to understand her and care about her, but she always kept an almost cold distance, like that dark cloud, always hanging between me and her.

I don’t know why I was so persistent at the time. Maybe it’s because when I was young, there was always a desire for love, and there was always an impulse to have each other. However, love is ultimately a matter between two people, and she and I never had that opportunity. Her inner world is like a closed garden, beautiful, but no one can enter.

After graduation, I didn’t see her again. She went far away, and I stayed in this city. We occasionally talked on the phone and talked about each other’s recent situation, but we could no longer find the intimacy we once had. She is still her, and that independent and proud attitude makes me unable to get close. I began to understand that love may not always be together, and sometimes, separation may be the best ending.

Time flies, and I have also experienced many things, and experienced more separations and reunions. But whenever I think of her, I still feel a pain in my heart. That pain is not because of loss, but because it is out of reach. What she brought to me is not only the fantasy of love, but also the deep sense of loneliness, as if it is an unspeakable void in life. Each of us may be like her, living in our own lonely world, shuttling through the long river of time, but unable to find the real belonging.

Sometimes, I would think, if I could meet her again, what would I say to her? Would I just stand quietly beside her and accompany her silently through the night she faced alone? Unfortunately, there is no if in life, and all the misses have become irreparable regrets.

Every relationship in life may be an unfinished play. We are always full of expectations, but we always find out in the end that everything is just a passerby. Every love and every persistence may be unspeakable loneliness, which we can only carry in our memories.

However, memories or loneliness are all part of our lives. Even if it is missed, it is a kind of existence. Love is sometimes like fireworks, brilliant in an instant, short and beautiful. It gives us not only warm memories, but also the deep loneliness that has never been touched.